I never liked my belly. Long before its served as an infant
Airbnb, my abdomen has been abominable. Now that three children have stretched me
out like a spent Mylar balloon, my gut is even more of a problem. But every
problem has a solution, right?
I’ve discovered mine.
No, it’s not diet (and to hell with you for suggesting
that). It’s not exercise either, smarty-pants. It’s the Strategically Placed Child.
A few years ago, I realized that by standing directly behind
an adorable child, perhaps with my hands draped gently on the kid’s shoulders,
I can both hide my gut and make myself appear warm and motherly all in one
selfie. This pose also makes me look tall. It’s a nice trick.
Since first unleashing the cosmetic power of children’s
heads, I’ve made sure to shove a smiling (if bewildered) child in front of me
in every Flickr pic or Facebook photo I take. The marketer in me is brimming
with taglines: It’s like Spanx that
you’re no longer allowed to spank! It’s like a tummy tuck, only without the
surgery and you still look lousy in person! OK. Maybe the taglines need
work.
The strategically placed child is the photographic cousin of
the weirdly placed lamp or large envelope that TV shows typically use to hide
actresses’ pregnancies. In those case, the babies are the problem. In mine,
they’re the solution.
