This year, for the first time since 1888, Thanksgiving will
overlap with the first day of Hanukkah, and I for one am excited to smother
latkes with cranberry sauce. But even as I scour the Internet for pilgrim-themed
dreidels and a turkey-shaped menorah (You’re welcome, Etsy shop owners), I’m
feeling kinda sad.
According to snopes.com, the happy convergence of Hanukkah
and Thanksgiving will not likely occur again for another 77,798 years. And since
kale and Botox will only take me so far, I doubt I’ll be around to celebrate this
ever again.
How to fill the void left by the fleeting Thanukkah? I
propose we alter the Jewish and Gregorian calendars every few years to pair
other holidays, and I know just the ones to link. The following are some
suggestions that I think would go together like gelt and gravy:
New Year’s Day and
Yom Kippur: On which holiday do you wake up feeling awful and repentant
about recent indiscretions, resolving to change your behavior from here on out?
Exactly, both!
Imagine reciting Kol Nidrei to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne.”
Or popping a few corks with your pre-fast meal. And how much more interesting
would the Amidah be if it were recited on a Rose Parade float?
Mother’s Day and
Pesach: An interminable, bland and overpriced meal in which you rehash a
litany of past misdeeds suffered at the hands of a tyrant. Does this describe:
(a) Mother’s Day brunch or (b) the first night of Pesach? If you answered both,
you are correct!
Why is this brunch different than all others? Because it
features poached eggs on matzah and chametz-free mimosas. Dayenu!
Earth Day and Simchat
Torah: You might think that the perfect fit for Earth Day would be Tu
B’Shevat, the birthday of the trees. But I submit to you that nothing
celebrates recycling like a holiday in which we pat ourselves on the back for
re-reading the same book over and over again.
Halloween and Purim:
Whether you’re dressed as a ghost or trying to drown out Haman’s name, it’d be
hard to say “Boo!” to Hallowpurimween.
Purim and Halloween already share in common costumes, sweets
and visits to neighbors. And if you think Freddy Kruger is gruesome, check out the
Book of Esther. There are impalings, random acts of murder and more blood than
on the set of “Saw.” We all know that Haman was hanged from the gallows, but
did you know that Haman’s 10 sons were also hanged? Imagine the lawn
decorations!
Even if blood and gore aren’t your thing, you have to admit
that a hallowed out gourd would make a dandy mishloach manot basket.
Candy-corn filled hamentashen, anyone?
Arbor Day and Shmini
Atzeret: Nobody knows what either of these are, what they celebrate or when
they occur. A match made in Heaven. Or in Congress.
Valentine’s Day and
Sukkot: If you want to impress your Valentine, forget the boxes of chocolates
and fancy meals.
Instead, I suggest that nothing is more romantic than leading
your lady into a cloth-walled bungalow you built yourself, serving her a meal
replete with fertility symbols and inviting her to spend the night with you in
under the stars.
If she demurs, remind her that G-d commands it. Your move,
Cupid.
So while none of us will likely ever again experience the
carb-ecstasy of a plate piled high with both latkes and cornbread stuffing, there
are so many other opportunities for happy holiday mergers. Here’s hoping we get
to celebrate a few of them, and until then…
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