Thursday, December 9, 2010

2011 Calendars - Jewish-style

Since our tribe marks the passage of time on flimsy calendars provided for free by local Jewish mortuaries – and since those calendars start in September, we Jews miss out a ritual the rest of the Gregorian-loving world enjoys each year: Calendar shopping.

I found a few at my local bookstore that promised to teach me a new word each day.  A new word everyday! The only thing my Jewish calendar teaches me is what time the sun goes down on Fridays. That won’t do!

 As our people are never the intended audience for such ambitious collections, I felt it was incumbent upon myself to create a Jewish version of the word-a-day calendar. Of course, I’m lazy, so it’ll have to be a word-a-month calendar. Oh, and I made all these words up, so don’t, you know, use them in a job interview.

 Herein, your Jewish Word-A-Month Calendar for 2011:


Tsurist (noun) – A houseguest or visitor who brings his/her host a great deal of trouble. David’s inlaws caused a grease fire in his kitchen. He can’t wait until those tsurists go back to Florida!


FaceDybbuk (noun) – The unwelcome online resurfacing of a person once thought ditched for good. Esther got an unfortunate “friend” request from the FaceDybbuk of her ex-boyfriend’s overbearing mother.


Shandehlier (noun) – One whose primary function in life is to shed light on the disgrace of others. Chaya had barely brought the strip of bacon up to her lips, when that shandehlier neighbor of hers ran around telling everyone the news.


Kosherstipation (noun) – A disorder of the digestive system caused by eating too much Ashkenazi food. Particularly prevalent during Passover. I tried to avoid leaven products during Pesach, but the kosherstipation got the better of me.


AIPACistani (noun) – A politically conservative person whose radical ideology about American Jewish involvement in Israel renders him incapable of moderate, considerate thought. Malka is such an AIPACistani that she’s raising money to build an impenetrable geodesic dome over Israel.


J Streetwalker (noun) – A politically liberal person whose radical ideology about American Jewish involvement in Israel renders him incapable of moderate, considerate thought. Zoe is such a J Streetwalker that she’s raising money to buy every Palestinian child a do-it-yourself bomb kit. And a puppy.


Yarmulkan’t (adj.) – Of or pertaining to things that Jewish men are congenitally incapable of accomplishing. Jacob sought the number to a good plumber, as replacing the garbage disposal was a bit yarmulkan’t for him.


Hoodwink (verb) – To briefly glimpse a naked male Gentile. Bubbe was hoodwinked when she accidentally walked into the wrong locker room at the Y. She hasn’t been the same since.


Chai-roller (noun) – One who springs for the pew during High Holy Days. The Chai-roller walked from the back of the sanctuary all the way to his seats, a journey that took 15 minutes.


Salad Fressing (verb) – The act of gorging on diet foods. Thanks to Rebecca’s salad fressing, the Stein family was completely out of rice cakes and iceberg lettuce.


Shul Tool (noun) – Someone whose overzealous commitment to synagogue life leads her to say “yes” to too many functions. Leah is such a shul tool that she stopped taking vacations, so she’d never have to miss a Sisterhood meeting.


Menorahty Status (noun) – A deep sense of inferiority, often profound, felt by Jews throughout the month of December. Usually accompanied by symptoms of envy, covetousness and the secret hording of Christmas tree ornaments. Barbra Streisand recorded an album of Christmas carols to delight the masses and compensate for her own Menorahty Status.

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