Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Mischa, Mischa, Mischa!

Well, I for one am grateful that Mischa Barton was arrested on DUI
charges. I mean, seriously, like, all her friends were picked up this
year – Paris and Nicole were even put in the slammer – and what do we
hear from Mischa? Just that she broke up with that weird-looking singer
guy. It wasn't right.

Now, with all of Hollywood's young woman
role models safely behind bars or making regular court appearances
(shout-out to Brit!), order has been restored to the universe and the
rest of us can get on with our burgeoning drug habits and body

That was a close one, though, Mischa. Everybody who
is anybody got busted for being intoxicated in 2007; you just barely
missed the deadline.

I had thought that maybe she was just being
fashionably late – you know how fashionable the former star of "The
O.C." is. But then I got a look at her booking photo.

Holy cow.

Red eyes. Stringy hair. For the former face of Bebe, she does not know how to work the mug shot.

all your gal pals looked great in their arrest photos – it won't
surprise me when the sheriff's photographer leaves for Vogue. The only
person whose arrest photo was worse than yours was Mel Gibson. (You
know who he is, right? The old guy who had a bit part in "Signs.")

you're going to get arrested again – and, let's face it, you will –
you're going to have to learn how to take a good police photo. You've
got the right friends around you to help out. I mean, the best photo I
have ever seen of Nicole Richie was taken by the L.A. Sheriff's booking

Paris Hilton looked downright glamorous in her mug shot.
Lindsay Lohan's photo is so good, she could use it on J-Date. And it's
not just the girls: I saw Haley Joel Osment's arrest pic and wanted to
set him up with my sister: He's got perfect skin – which is unusual for
a drinker. And Shia LaBeouf? I thought his hot shot was pullout poster
from Tiger Beat magazine.

I'm confident that with people like
this influencing you, you could do a better job influencing the rest of
society. We don't want little girls growing up thinking that when they
get arrested with marijuana in their cars, they can look
less-than-perfect. What kind of message does that send?

you know it, 16-year-olds will announce their "happy" pregnancies
without any makeup on. They'll get extradited to Norway without their
hoop earrings. They might even drive beaters when they run over people
in parking lots.

Oh, the thought of it!

Please, please
don't let this happen again, Mischa. If you're going to have a few
drinks and carry around a bag of marijuana, the least you can do is
throw on a little lip gloss before hopping in the car. Little
style-conscious girls everywhere look up to you.

Show them you can do better next time.


  1. Have I told you lately that I love you?
    ...speaking of which, can we discuss Kimberly Stewart? Talk about an abnormally normal Hollywood socialite.

  2. I loved the dig on gibson. You forgot to mention the up-skirt picture of him in braveheart going comando.