Thursday, September 20, 2007

Get To Work, Kids. I'm Trying To Lose Weight

I've finally figured out a way to lose all my post-baby weight: diet and exercise.

not, of course, suggesting that I diet and exercise. No way am I giving
up my sedentary lifestyle and four square meals a day. Instead, I'm
going to shed pounds by watching like a hawk the waistlines of my
closest friends.

According to a recent New York Times article,
"obesity can spread from person to person, much like a virus. … When
one person gains weight, close friends tend to gain weight, too."

article quotes a study that found that once one person became obese,
his or her closest friends had a 171 percent increased chance of
becoming obese, too. The study could explain why Americans have become
fatter – obesity apparently works like MySpace.

Luckily, weight
loss works the same way. The more your friends lose, the more likely
you are to drop all that sympathy weight. Here's where my weight loss
plan comes in.

Most of my friends are in pretty good shape, but I
need to make sure they stay that way. And for those who have gained a
few pounds (Steve), I need to make sure that they (Steve) start
shedding them, or else I'm going to blow up like a blimp (Steve).

not going to start finger-pointing (especially since I think Steve's
weight gain started around the time I got pregnant), but from this day
forward I resolve to make sure all of my friends take much, much better
care of my body.

This is the only body I have. And with my high cholesterol, my friends really can't afford to mess around.

So here's how we're going to break it down:

moving to Virginia this week. I've lived in Virginia. It may be for
lovers, but it's no place for a dieter. Stay away from the hush puppies
and fatback. And keep up with the marathon running – I'm convinced
you've single-handedly kept me in a single-digit dress size.

Leslie:I think you do Pilates. Maybe I'm wrong. If I'm wrong, start doing Pilates.

Lisa B:Congrats on your new job. There will probably be lots of getting-to-know-you lunches with your new co-workers. Avoid those.

Keren:(See Leslie).

Samantha and Lisa M:You're both pregnant. I couldn't be happier for you. Stay the hell away from me.

had mentioned something once about wanting to train for a marathon.
With Rick moving out of the state, now might be the time. In fact, now
is the time. I mean it. Right. Now.

Maayan: You've
been looking great. I don't know what you're doing, but do it more. In
fact, invite me over while you're doing it. You make an awe-inspiring
chocolate cake; I'd love to scarf a slice while you flit about, losing
weight for the two of us.

Steve: Yours
is the toughest assignment. You're apparently having the time of your
life out there in New York, eating big, late dinners and drinking
martinis with friends well until the wee hours of the morn. It sounds
as though you've never been happier. So, stop being so happy.

be a tough sacrifice, I know, but I need you to fall into a little
slump of depression for a while. You tend not to eat much when you're
down, and my disappearing waistline is begging you to shed a few tears.

I wouldn't normally wish unhappiness on a friend, but this is an emergency: I'm this closeto
needing a new pant size. So when you find yourself going for a second
helping of ziti, try thinking about the melting polar ice caps.

better yet, come back to California. It would be nice to see you all
the time again. And, I promise, I would make you miserable.

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