The problem with being perfect is that I can't ever hope to improve.
Every year New Year's Eve comes and goes, and every year I find myself
stuck without a single resolution to make.
Luckily, from my
perch on high I can see endless ways in which everyone around me can do
much, much better. So this year, instead of just ignoring the ritual of
New Year's resolutions, I have drawn up a few for my friends and
family. (You're welcome.)
Mom: This year, you should
resolve to shop at Costco no more than once a month. And when you do
go, you should buy food. And start using your fridge to store that
food; it will change your life forever.
Also, you should resolve to stop calling me just to complain about my sister.
Resolve to stop calling me to complain about Mom. But resolve to call
me more often – and not just when you need something. Ask me about my
son from time to time. It's amazing how much better a mother's mood is
when you've asked her to talk about her kid. Except, of course, our
mother (see resolution above).
Kevin: This is the year
that you should become fabulously wealthy. If you are not ridiculously
wealthy by the end of 2007, then you will have failed miserably and
should forever hang your head in shame.
Two years ago, I gave
Kevin the logical but erroneous advice to dump the three trash bags of
20-year-old acrylic sweaters from Marshalls he had stuffed in the back
of his closet. Instead of listening to me, he took pictures of himself
in each of the monstrosities and www.badsweaterguy.com was born.
Sweater Guy has been featured in such national magazines as Men's
Health and FHM, as well as several major newspapers. He even has a
recurring role in two indie films. He's inspired imitation Web sites
and a regular comic strip.
What has Kevin done with this avalanche of opportunity? Nothing.
That nothingness ends now. Resolve that we're going to ring in 2008 together in Vail. On your dime.
Kevin is never going to lift a finger to make himself fabulously rich.
That's why you have to do it. As the Web master and general mastermind
behind www.badsweaterguy.com, you must resolve to push this global fascination with Kevin's threads to the next level.
I have no idea how to pull this off, and nobody else thinks bad
sweaters are Kevin's meal ticket. But I don't feel like expending the
energy necessary to prove my point. So you do it.
See you in Vail.
Sketch: As a dog, it might be difficult to understand the concept of resolutions, but I have to try: Please. Stop. Barking.
you are a helpless animal bred specifically by your human overlords to
be needy and skittish. But must you be so skittish? And must you be so
vocal about your skittishness? Maybe I could learn to ignore the
incessant yelping. Or maybe I could give you more assurances that the
mailman means us no harm. But a better idea would be for you to learn
to read, get hold of this column and please shut up.
Put your kid on my kid's nap schedule. That way, when we have play
dates, Zev and Aidan will actually get to play with each other.
I'm fussing with Zev at a restaurant, while Keren calmly eats and Aidan
enjoys a deep slumber in his red BOB stroller. It's gotten to the point
that whenever Zev sees a red stroller he says, "Aidan!" I think he
thinks his friend is a baby carriage.
I could change Zev's nap
schedule to match Aidan's, but Zev's schedule really works for me –
and, as noted, I'm perfect. So wake that kid up.
People in parking garages:
Don't spot stalk. Just keep driving, even if you have to go to the
roof. There will be a space. You won't have to wait for anyone to
fumble with their keys, put away their packages, strap their kids in,
buckle up, turn on the ignition and back out. And better yet, that
snaking line of cursing drivers won't have to wait, either.
course, if you're driving behind me when I happen to spot someone
returning to their car, please don't lie on your horn. I know I'm
blocking both lanes of traffic, but it will only take a few minutes to
snag this space. If you're running late, that's not my fault. This
year, resolve to leave a little earlier. I mean, have you seen the way
people drive in parking garages?
Hubby: The ability to
speak openly and honestly with your partner is the cornerstone of any
strong relationship. Keep that in mind, and, this year, resolve to tell
me more frequently how utterly and completely perfect I am.